Signs that, Sadly, you've Grown Up

• Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
• Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
• Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
• "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
• You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
• 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
• You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
• You watch the Weather Channel.
• Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
• Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
• Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
• You're the one calling the police because of those damn punk kids next door.
• Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
• You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
• You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
• Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
• You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
• A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".
• You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
• 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
• You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
• You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.